Ruts of Life

The moment you realize you are in a rut. Shit.
How do you get out? Wiggle around like you are having a seizure until you bounce out of the rut? Just let it run its course like the flu? Lie there an accept that this is life? No, climb your ass out and move on.

With all of the great things going on in my life I find myself more stressed and anxious than usual. From the great job with funding troubles to wedding planning and budget issues. These stresses and anxiousness has landed me in a deep rooted rut that I seemingly melt into when life seems a bit too out of my reach. I've been here before and the result was no good, no good at all. It's time to get out of the rut, but how?

I've found that as my life gets better my challenges get greater. The happier I am, the more issues surface. The more financially stable, the more financial emergency issues arise. The more I love myself, the more my issues take control. I struggle to think that God has anything to do with it. I believe that these works are the devil, trying to distract me from the good life that God has given me. But damn he is good at his job. The devil has it wrapped up, from self hatred, deep rooted men issues and the always looming financial burdens of life- he has this thing down. Why do I allow myself to be his personal punching bag? Why is his influence in my life greater than His influence in my life? I left a window open somewhere and that bastard blew down the whole wall and now it's time to pick my pieces back up, put them back up like bricks, and get out of this rut and move forward.

Bricks to be put back up to build my life of love and happiness:

1. My love for Donji is unfailing, selfless, trusting, and kind
2. My love for myself is never ending, enough to sustain me, and all that I need
3. I am far more brilliant than I could have ever thought
4. My future is BRIGHTER than my past
5. Money will come and money will go, be responsible but do not freak out over it!
6. Worrying will get you no where champ
7. Treat you friends like a friend not a burden to be caught up to then discarded for a few more months
8. Love wholly, yourself, Donji, your family, your friends, you work
9. Find beauty in every situation because this might be the only time you get to see it
10. Laugh like a crazy person as much as possible
11. Keep active, a body and mind at rest will stay at rest forever
12. Give more than you relieve and you will always end up on top.

Alright back to work and putting my bricks back in place. 

Dear Rut,

We are through. You no longer have a hold on my spirit, heart, energy or thoughts. You are not welcome in my life, in my day or in my mind. I actually have shit to get done. Peace,

Kari, the bad-ass you accidentally enraged. 

My Love.

I have had these three rings for quite some time. On these rings they read, Faith, Hope, and Love. I started wearing Hope first as I was in a place where I needed hope the most. As time passed I needed more Faith so I started wearing that ring too. After meeting Donji I realized how much Love was in my life and began wearing all three together. I wore them together for about a year. As deployment drew near I knew that I wanted to send Donji off with something special to me, that tied us together.

The night before he left I knew what I needed to do. I took off my Love ring and wrote a note to him. I wrapped the ring in the note and hit is in his ACU pocket behind his wallet knowing he would not see it until he got on the plane. The note talked about my love for him and how he will carry my love with him through whatever he is going through. The next time we talked he thanked me for the note and for giving him something that meant so much to me and that now it means so much to him. People asked about these rings throughout deployment and I told them that Donji had my love, that Faith would keep him safe and bring him home to me and that Hope was all that I had left.

9 months later these are on our kitchen table. My love was safely stored between his dog tags and close to his heart. He never took it off. My heart was so full to see my gesture be received on the exact level that it was meant to be. My love is home and my heart is full. I know that my love will always be his and that his will always be mine.

My reflection on this leads me to question what little gestures we miss every day from our loved ones. From them replacing the toilet paper with the roll going the "right way" or holding the door open for you or spending a little extra time talking about your day. Are we always aware of how our partner, friends and family are showing their love, or do we miss it all together?

My Blessings are Abundant

My Blessings are Abundant

What a day. I have been in awe of God's grace and blessings today, as everyday I should be, today I am. I got to facilitate a volunteer experience for a special volunteer today. All volunteers are critically important in my world, but this one- is a true example of Gods love. This volunteer is deaf, blind and is constrained to a wheelchair. I was tasked with creating a volunteer opportunity for her, once a week for one hour that would allow her to use her abilities to bless others. Today this volunteer helped The Rescue Mission by making 6 hygiene kits that included shampoo, conditioner, lotion, toothpaste, toothbrush, body wash/soap and a razor. Each bag she made brought her so much joy and happiness, she was able to smell each soap that she put in the bag and grab and hold each shampoo and conditioner. Her joy burst out of her in laughter and giggling for the whole hour. This filled our office with such profound and deep happiness it is hard to describe. If each client that received these hygiene bags could feel the joy and effort that was put into their bag their lives would be altered with that impact. 

By entering our lives this one volunteer has changed the course for so many in just one day. Best news yet is that she is going to volunteer with us indefinitely  If I can keep the projects fun and exciting for her then she will be able to stay. As long as her health permits and her coach can come, she will be able to stay. It makes me reflect on how I am living my life. Am I profoundly changing peoples lives? If so is it because of the joy that comes out of my spirit? Is it because of what I can get done and help facilitate at work? It is because I love so deeply? Am I creating change with my passion? I can talk, I can hear, I can see, I can walk. What kind of profound business do I need to get to stat? What is it that holds us able bodied and minded individuals from creating this joy and change in others?